Journal Entry (4-2-18)

I hate my life at home with the exception of all that involves my baby. He truly is my blessing and makes me so happy. At one point I thought I’d be happy with my husband too but no I’m not. He claims to love me but his many actions speak louder and prove otherwise. Actually he doesn’t even say he loves me. Last time he said he did it when he was 1000s of miles away and that was a response to
☀️💖🌙. I know deep down he doesn’t and he’s making an effort at this marriage because we have a baby together. He’s said so much himself.
It’s so hard with his parents. His mom especially. She’s always doing things out of spite like going through my drawers, my bags… rearranging things even though I tell her to leave things as is. She hates me and that’s fine because I’m not too crazy about her either. And based on what she’s said and what I’ve heard she’d like to break up my marriage. She’s so diffucult.

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Letter (part 3)

It is obvious I do not make you happy. You are not in love with me. And you never will be. For whatever reason you settled when you married me. I’ve pretty good idea as to why but that doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is that our fights will never stop. Because I am this way and you do not accept me as I am. I hate it when you go through my phone, my Instagram, my texts. You have trust issues. You think affairs are ok for men. Wrong! You constantly criticize and insult instead of motivating and inspiring. You are so proud of the fact you guys have a house in Armenia. You call me and my family homeless because we don’t have one here. Well guess what… a house doesn’t make a home. I have so much more blessings in my life that I can do without a piece pf property. 

Letter (part 2)

It is because you’ve made me feel unappreciated, unpretty, useless and dumb that I am how I am. You have goals and dreams and intentions to do great things. Good for you. I respect that. But I do not respect nor will I tolerate you constantly belittling me and my family. What did you think? ‘Cause we’ve been in the states 20 plus years we’ve all this money set aside? One you could easily splurge on? Whatever we did have went towards our wedding. That cost over $20,000 whether you believe it or not, that’s your choice. Your plane ticket, most things in our apartment and a lot of other things was paid for by my family. So that’s where a lot of their money went. 

Letter (part 1)

You ask me why did I get married. Well, let me answer that question for you. I married you believing us to be a great couple, thinking we’d live happily ever after. I knew then that you didn’t love me; how could you… You had only seen me 3-4 times and hadn’t spent more than few hours with me. When you brought up marriage I thought you’re crazy. I knew we wouldn’t work because we are very different people. You convinced me otherwise. And I put aside my doubts and logic and married you. No matter what you might think, I married you thinking we’d be getting along better than we are now. I did everything to make you happy, to please you, to show that I love, care and respect you. You’ve done everything to show that you don’t. 

Divorce Pending

I think that my unhappy marriage is coming close to its end. My husband and I just had another argument. Although I don’t know if it’s an actual argument when only one person is doing all the talking. And by talking I mean insulting, threatening and other B.S. like that. 

He says I don’t know the meaning of family and asks me why’d I get married if I’m not with him in all his decisions. Well, what if that decision is not a good or right one? Besides, I thought marriage was a partnership where you share your thoughts, discuss possibilities and come to an agreement t together. A marriage isn’t where the husband dictates and the wife cowardly accepts just because she’s a woman. 

To answer my husband’s question as to why I got married… I envisioned a different kind of life for us. One where we’d be happy. Yeah, there would be disagreements but minor ones. And not every other day. I wouldn’t be treated like a servant who is not allowed to express her opinions or feelings. I would be able to visit family and friends as I’d like (with his knowledge of course) instead of not being allowed to visit even my mom except for when he says so.  And under his supervision. I wouldn’t be put down everyday. He’d not tell me what to wear, eat, cook, read; when I can have friends over, watch TV, do grocery shopping, how much I spend and on what, etc. He wouldn’t be the one to decide on what career I should have and what salary. He’d not take my paycheck away from me and give me a petty allowance. He wouldn’t belittle me all the time. He would love me. Respect me. Actually give a damn about me. And not want to lose me. But it isn’t like that. He doesn’t care if I  walk out the door. So I will. 

To be somewhat of an ideal to my husband, I’d not only abide by his rules, but that of his parents too. I would never question his judgment, give ideas or share feelings. I would have had savings in the 100s of thousands that he’d be allowed to dive into for whatever he sees fit. I’d have a house and car already paid off. I’d have a college degree, a business that brings in 6 figure income and a beautiful face and body. I don’t think I’m ugly, but my husband doesn’t think me pretty. I wouldn’t have a problem with his drinking or smoking (he said he did neither when we me but he’s become an alcoholic. Hand him a box of cigarettes he won’t rest ’til its all smoked and done). 

He demands that I ask his sister what to feed my baby and when. Since I don’t care for her instructions it is another fight. I might get bumped on the head yet again. It doesn’t stop and its not getting better. I’ve known him 2 years plus; we’ve been married a year and 7 months and in all those days we’ve only had like a total of a week where it is genuine smiles and laughter and happiness. Although, I don’t think he was ever happy with me just as I haven’t been for a long ling time.  


Regrets over Marriage (part 2)

I wish I had known you weren’t Mr. Right

I wish I hadn’t believed your stupid lies 

I wish I had enough inner strength to stand up for me

I wish I had enough self esteem to believe in me 

To realize I’m worth more than just bittersweet memories, broken promises and ok days

I want to live in color ’cause all isn’t just black or white

I want to dream because it might just one day be true

I want to laugh wholeheartedly 

And be able to love you unconditionally