You like me… I don’t like you

In my thirty plus years, I’ve come across many different people some of which are still so very near and dear to my heart and others who, thank goodness, no longer are a part of my mainly predictable life.  Among the many, there have been men who have been rather significant in one way or another and there have also been those that were just not what I needed, wanted or cared to have around.  And so we parted ways.  Sometimes I remember one or two from the past and I wonder what if… Or what is he doing now?  Married with kids?  Single still, like me?  Alive and well?
So with this in mind… Here’s a bit of something about a guy I don’t care to see again. Yet, I wish him well in his endeavors.
I recently met a man (mid thirties) who is “quirky” (as he likes to describe himself) with a somewhat dry sense of humor and no real sense of where he is going.  I mean, yes, he had a goal (becoming a writer) but in the meantime he wasn’t really doing much else but waiting tables.  No fence to all the waiters and waitresses… if I thought I’d do great, I’d have worked as one too, but waiting tables (part time) is not going to pay the bills, the mortgage and send the kids to college.  I think what bothered me most is that he’d been doing that for over a decade and if by now he hasn’t made it as a big time screen play writer, then maybe he should look into other options as a means of a steady income.  Besides the job I didn’t like the fact that he was also cheap, somewhat disrespectful (1st date and already a potty mouth?), prefers I drive (what am I, a cabbie?) and no chivalry.  Yeah… I’m single and looking for love but I’m not desperate.  I deserve a lot more than this guy has or is willing to offer.

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Love is NOT out of Reach

I think I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places at all the wrong times.  Maybe it’s the fact that I was still hurt by the breakup with my fiancé so since my heart hadn’t healed, it just wasn’t working out with any of the guys I dated recently.  So maybe I hadn’t let go of the past heartache.  I have said goodbye to the ex many times over.  I have prayed and hoped and wished that my heart no longer ache and yearn what used to be.  I mean, for crying out loud, it’s been years since we parted ways.  It’s time to move on.  I’m sure he has.  Probably married with kids now. But me… I still blame myself and wonder where I went wrong.  What did I do to deserve the betrayal? Did I not live enough? Was I not compassionate? Didn’t I ignite passion within his soul? Since the ex disappeared, there was never any closure.  And that’s what prevented me from moving forward with my life.  Because he never dumped me.  He just faded into thin air.  So maybe I was waiting for him to return.  We did have a great love affair.  We were amazing together.  But we are not together anymore.  So what we we’re is just that…were.  In the past.  Years have past.  We are no longer the couple everyone is jealous of and looks at in awe.  We no longer sparkle together or shine brighter than the bride and groom who’s wedding we’ve attended.  We are now what used to be.  The past.

And so with this in mind… I am going to make an effort at trying out for love.  I am going to deck myself up and be out and about as pretty as I can be.  I will no longer hide away.  I will flaunt my perks instead of focusing on the negatives.  I’m not perfect but then again who is!?!  I have a beautiful soul, a damn great heart, a creative mind and an imagination that soars. I love wholeheartedly and without reservation.  I deserve to be happy.  I am not going to allow the past to haunt me anymore.  I will not let it hold me back.  I will find love again because love is NOT out of reach.  I just have to believe and be relentless in this mission possible.

Sorrow in my Heart

I think I know why there’s so much sorrow in my heart
Once upon a time it used to belong
Had a place to call home
A lover to claim for its own.
Now it beats but without a purpose
Longing for many yesterdays of long ago
This heart of mine yearns for someone to fill its void.
I smile at friends, strangers and family
I laugh at the not so funny jokes
I act as though everything is alright
I pretend day in and day out
Hoping soon this pretense will come to a stop.
So they don’t see the hurt deep within
I say I’m not looking
I’m fine with not having anyone
It’s ok that I’m not a mom
I’ve still got so many kids in my life.
I’ve got blessings all around
I am thankful for all I have
But still…
There’s something missing
So I’m hollow deep inside.
Long ago I bargained
Gave up on the love of my life
For the happy of someone else.
I didn’t realize then just how much it would hurt
Didn’t think I’d cry this many tears
Wouldn’t be over the heartache after all these years.
I don’t want to grow old and bitter
Being alone can do that to a person I’m told
I don’t want cats or plants or anything other than great love
I can do without the big house and fancy car
Diamonds and rubies won’t please my salvaged heart
All I want, all I need
Is someone to unconditionally love
Someone that loves me back
Before I’m completely overtaken by the
Sorrow in my heart.

Single During the Holidays

Most would agree that during the holidays is probably the worse time to be single. Unless it’s Valentine’s Day.  Or maybe both times are not the best to be without a significant other.  As is my case, I’ve decided to focus on the positive things in my life and to appreciate my family and friends.  So what I have no one to kiss under a mistletoe.  Who cares if there is no one to kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve?  I’ve got kids that brighten up my days and show me the wonders of everyday.  I’ve got friends I trust with my secrets and would trust with my life.  I’ve got family who’s always there for me and cares about me.  I have a job that pays the bills.  A roof over my head to keep me dry in this rainy weather.  I’ve got my five senses in tact, my motor skills are working, I’m able to dress, bathe, feed myself.  I have a car to drive from point A to point B.  I’ve got goals realized that I’m set on accomplishing.  I’ve got blessings all around.  And I am thankful for each one.  So… if by the countdown of welcoming 2015, I happen to still be single… I will focus on the positives in my life.  I will appreciate.  I will be happy.