Considering my lousy luck in love, lust and a happily ever after, my friend has suggested I apply to be a participant in the show ‘Married at First Sight’.  Now keep in mind that I’m Armenian and we don’t really appear on reality shows.  Especially one that’s bound to get real personal and sentimental.  But I wonder just how it might be.  

My one sister is against it.  The other doesn’t really have an opinion on it.  Wonder what the rest of my family would have to say about it.  Hmmmm…

Am I really considering this?  Should I consider this? Would they pick me?  One thing is certain, if I were to get picked for the show… There would definitely be a very interesting story to tell.  



It’s crazy that I like you this much

I’m thinking of you day and night 

I can’t get over this heartache you’ve left me with 

I’m trying so hard to not care that you’ve left with no goodbye

I can’t help but wonder why you would hurt me this way

I was good to you

Was ready to open my heart to you 

And you seemed willing to accept 

There was a plea in your tone 

A desperate need to belong 

A desire to love and be loved 

One that was matching mine 

But you cowered away

Leaving the chance for happiness and me behind

But crazy me 

I’m not moving forward ’cause I’m reminiscing 

Missing you more and more as the days go by.

It’s not you, it’s me

I’m so lost, dazed and confused.  Each time I meet a man who’s charming, kind, with a sense of humor and with potential he disappears on me.  Is it so hard for a guy to tell a girl that he’s not interested? And if he’s not, then why does he ask if it’s ok to call, make plans for the future and/or share hopes, dreams and family secrets?  Am I that bad of a date? If I am, then why not tell me that there’s no chance of a relationship ’cause I’m not worthy? If he’s concerned about hurting my feelings, then he can use the b.s. ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ line.  But instead I am avoided like the plague.  Maybe it really is me.  So what is it about me that’s so awful?  Wish one would have the decency to tell me.  Then maybe I’d know and if there was something to change, then I’d work on that improvement.  

Fluttering Heart

You made me smile big when my  usual was a frown

Laugh out loud when all I felt like doing was cry

You made it so easy for me to once more believe 

Dreams I’d tucked away and forgotten about seemed within reach.

You picked me up when I was down 

High above you took me; higher than I’d been in so long 

You awakened within a deeper kind of love

A different kind of desire

A need to belong to not just anyone. 

You’ve caused a turmoil in my heart and my mind

My mind says to steer clear 

It’s got warnings that you’ll hurt me

Leave me broken to never heal

Knowing my heart can’t take another break.

But my fluttering heart is ignoring the plea

Choosing to go unwisely taking whatever path leads to you

It misses you like crazy

It’s calling out to you; it wants you

And with or without you 

It’s gonna continue to flutter for you.  

Sorrow in my Heart

I thought I was finally free of the loneliness 

I thought you were the answer to all my prayers

I thought you’d be the one to mend my broken heart 

I thought with you I’d finally learn to love once again.

Little did I know I was wrong about you

The words you spoke were empty promises

The plans we made were never to be 

The kind gestures you made were nothing more than for show and tell 

The lies you fed me I took in without question or doubt.

We started out with much promise

Laughter and smiles; time passing us by so fast

Common interests and dreams to realize.

But now you’ve disappeared 

No call, no letter, no explanation as to where you’ve gone

I’m on stand by wishing the phone to ring

I shouldn’t be, but I’m missing you 

And because you are no longer around

There’s sorrow in my heart. 

Dating is Auditioning

This morning during my drive to work I started to reflect on dates I’d been on previously and in the end concluded that dating is very much like auditioning.  Whether you hope to become the lover, boy/girlfriend, husband or wife you are ultimately acting as you deem necessary to land the part.  As we get to know a person, we mold ourselves into what we want him/her to see.  In hopes of hiding most, if not all, our flaws, we try to accentuate our stronger and best traits.  This might not even be intentional but it does occur. It isn’t about pretending to be something or someone you are not, but about presenting the best we have to offer.  And putting in an extra effort to make a lasting good impression.  For example, if I am a messy person, I might clean the house.  Or if I’m a blonde, I might dye my hair darker if that’s what the guy I’m interested in prefers.  I might hate to exercise but will start going to the gym.   I’m a picky eater, but I will try what’s on the menu because I might just like it.  And because I don’t want to annoy the guy with requests to “add this, remove that and sub that other thing I cannot pronounce.”                               And as we date the same/different person(s) we are trying out for the title we hope to gain. We want to be accepted, liked and eventually loved.  Because we are human and we desperately need to fit in.  We must love.  And even more than that… We must be loved. 

Dear Dearest One, 

You’ve done what you said you wouldn’t.  You’ve disappointed.  You were supposed to be good to me and to stick around.  You said you’ve got what I want, need and more.  But you too have disappeared.  I don’t understand how you’d say that you’re thinking of me and then just be gone.  I wonder if it’s a vibe I give or is it my attitude, personality, looks or just all of me combined.  I’m thinking that in matters of the heart, cuspids missed me completely.  He obviously either doesn’t care to aim directly for me or he’s just having too much fun toying with my emotions.  Maybe my hurt feelings give him an all time high.