So I’m super excited about my upcoming wedding and even though it’s a financial struggle, I’m still hoping that by some miracle my fiancé and I are able to have the wedding of our dreams. Well, probably won’t be the wedding of our dreams, but as close to it as possible. The bumps along the way are not so much due to the financial burdens but people burdens.
I’ve got a self nominated best man and maid of honor, bridesmaids that are not of my choosing, traditions I don’t care to uphold and a guest list that’s way too long for my liking.
Weddings are supposed to be an amazing and memorable once in a lifetime event. The planning is supposed to be fun, adventurous and full of laughter and smiles. There should be tears of joy and dress fittings with my best friends. For me, however, it’s tears of frustration and sorrow; constant betrayal by those who are supposed to love me and backstabbing by those who claim to want what’s best for me.
There’s 1 month and 1 week left until my wedding day and instead of filling the days with wedding things a bride-to-be should be doing while enjoying every moment of it, I’m wasting minutes, hours, days (that have turned into weeks) trying to please everyone. People that didn’t ask my opinion or seek an approval about their wedding plans are expecting me to do as they say with no questions asked.
I get sad and then I get mad. I’m going out of my mind. Enough so that I just wanna disappear. And I’m dreading the actual wedding. And it’s not fair. So without intending to offend anyone or pull a bridezilla… This is my wedding. I’m the bride. I am paying for this wedding along with my fiancé. If I’m not mistaken, it should be our choice what/who we want and how we want it. The colors, dress, shoes, hair/make-up, flowers and everything else pertaining to all aspects of a wedding are up for not only a discussion but debate as well. And it’s a debate I’m bound to lose. Because I’m a softy at heart; because I’d hate to make someone cry; because I hate it when there’s conflicts… I’m going to probably move to the side and watch my wedding be planned as I don’t see it fit. And on the day of, I will cry. My heart will break. My mood will be gloomy and cranky. I will not enjoy any moment of my wedding. I will regret the fact that decisions weren’t mine. I will hate myself more.
This makes me wanna cry. Correction… This is making me cry. And again, these are tears of despair not joy.
Yup, I can definitely understand the decision to elope. Maybe… Just maybe that’s what we’ll do. But I couldn’t be a jerk to my fiancé. He deserves a nice happy wedding. Once in a lifetime awesome wedding. He’s looking forward to it as much as I am if not more.
And I want a wedding. I want the dress, the shoes, some of the traditions… I have been dreaming of my wedding for so long… I don’t want anything or anyone to ruin it. But I think it’s too late already. I sure hope that’s not the case.