Missing My Husband and the way We used to be

I miss how we would cuddle on the couch and watch cartoons.

I miss how he’d kiss my cheek hello and goodbye when going to work and coming home.

I miss the jokes, the laughter, the emoji texts.

I miss him holding me tight through the night

I miss waking up next to him, cooking for him and eating dinner late at night with him ’cause he’s just returned home from work.

I miss making plans for our and our son’s future together.

I miss planning and hoping for another baby.

I miss going to bed and seeing him there.

I miss how he’d, on rare occasions, be surprising and bring me flowers.

I miss telling him storied of our sons and watching his face light up with pride.

I miss him.

I miss us.

I miss me and him being husband and wife.

I miss us being a family; just me, him and our baby.

Regrets

I’m at the point in life where I look back and there’s so much I’m regretting and cringing over. I have been so stupid, naive and ignorant about many important things. I’ve been stubborn and stupid. And the way I’ve been has cost me my marriage. Of course i could’ve workes harder to fix things and build on our relationship but i don’t know what had come over me that I gave up and started to let things crumble.

I want my husband back in my life as more than just the father of my child. I want decades more of him holding me tight as we sleep through the night. I want the arguments and the smiles. I want to be able to tell him I love him and I’m sorry and I want him to believe me. I want for our son to not have to miss either one of us ’cause it’s visitation with the other. I want to be able to go back in time so that I could undo my mistakes.

I am an idiot. I am so so stupid for allowing our chance of happily ever after to be stolen right feom under my nose. I am hoping that this huge mess I’ve gotten us into will be cleared up and that one day soon he will see that I meant him no harm and we will be together again. Our bond and marriage will be stronger than before. I hope. I pray. I wish.

Divorce Sucks!!!

I hate that I’m going through a divorce; hate that my soon to be ex-husband and my parents and siblings are on a dislike each other status. I wish that this time around I had finally found my happily ever after; that this was in fact true love. And maybe it was but because of many stupid little things being blown out of proportion, bigger stupid things happened and then I quit.

Wedding Dress for Sale

My beautiful wedding dress is for sale ($3000 OBO), if anyone is interested. Please comment for additional details. Thank you. 6

a Lonely Place to be

I miss my husband. Everyone says I’m better off without him and I better not take him back. I say I’m not planning on it but damn it I miss him. I don’t want to be divorced; i dont want to grow old and gray without the man i promised to love, honor and cherish for always by my side. Until recently he was asking me to move in with him and for us to be together again. Of course his reasoning and logic was different than mine but still. Now he doesn’t even suggest such a thing. He doesn’t want to be with me anyone. I think he got used to being without me. This month apart did us more harm than good. I was hoping he’d realize that he needs me by his side and that he’d start to accept and admit his faults and that of his parents but I think hes still seeing just mine.

There’s plenty of reasons for me and him to not get back together. No one wants us back together. I think I’m the only one. And my baby of course. But still I think that’s not enough. I had hoped separation would do us good. We’d both get some space, clear our heads and miss one another. Realize each other’s worth. I know that I’ve flaws and faults. He does too. Somehow when he talks about my screw ups they seem to big and in comparison what hes said and done he makes seem trivial.

In this month I realized I do love him more than I’ve admitted or realized before. I also need him to be by my side as more than just my baby’s dad with visitation rights. I want him to remain my husband. I want him to love me wholeheartedly. For him to need me, miss me, care for me. I dont want to be a burden or obligation for him. I want to be someone he cannot live without not someone he can just make do with.

I’m afraid it’s too late for us. We’ve both screwed up.one too many times. We’ve hurt each other too much.

Cup half full

My marriage has fallen apart; my husband and I are living separate lives and the one and only thing that matters to either of us is our little boy. Both of us love him wholeheartedly and would give our lives for him. I know that I would do any and everything to ensure my son’s well being. He is my lifeline and he makes me so happy. I love it when he smiles at me, when he hugs me suddenly, when he calls out to me for help, when his eyes wander searching for me in a room.

This marriage had one too many faults with it from the start. We each had our own flaws but only mine seem to be evident and bothersome. I dont think love was ever a factor and probably that’s why it all went downhill from day one. I’d hate to admit it but my husband is dominant and I hadn’t been too submissive lately hence the best option is an escape route. No point in delaying the inevitable.

I’m sad our marriage is over but I’m glad it happened because out of this marriage I have the greatest blessing in my life; my son for whom my heart beats for. I am so thankful for him and I will always be. Maybe for my husband I am not the ideal wife and for his parents I am not the ideal daughter in law, but for my son I am and will always be the best mom I can be. I will do whatever it takes to make sure he has a happy a d healthy childhood and that he grows up to be a respecting, loving and caring human being. He is my happy and I wouldn’t trade that for anything or anyone.

I love you Baby. Now and forever.

Bipolar You

Some days we are ok

Other days we are not

Some days you’re kind and caring and attentive

Other days you’re mean and abusive and unkind

I never know what mood you’re gonna be in

I never know if today’s the day I’m really gonna call it quits

I can’t stand the thought of losing you

I can’t imagine life going on like this

You the master; me a slave

I thought our life together would be way different than this

I thought it was love that brought us together

But I was wrong and now I’m paying the price

I don’t want to let you go

But I want the love, honor and cherish that was part of our vows

There’s much that’s lacking in this marriage of ours

I thought I could settle and not care I wasn’t getting your love

I thougt I’d be ok not having a place in your heart

But it hurts more than I thought it would

I dont wanna spend another night in the arms of a man who’s dissatisfied with me

I don’t want to wake up another morning disappointed in you

So I’m saying goodbye to my husband who’s been just a roommate

Hoping life gives us both true love and happiness

Optimistic me dreaming a little for both of us

Maybe if you find the kind of love you seek

It’ll soften your heart and there will be more smiles instead of mean looks

With daggers leaving your eyes constantly

That’s no way to see

Complaints and insults all you ever shared

That’s no way to speak

Pessimistic and worrisome

That’s no way to live.

Separated & Heartbroken (1)

My soon to be ex husband thinks that I am happy to be divorcing. It is NOT the case. I got married in my thirties and my marriage didn’t even last quarter of a decade. What’s there to be happy about? We have a baby and no matter how or why this marriage is ending, it’s going to have an impact on him. I’m the one filing so what if in the future my son blames me, hates me and doesn’t respect because I’ve decided to not be a prisoner any longer in my own home.

I thought my husband and I were going to grow old and grey together. We were supposed to conquer all obstacles and achieve a whole bunch of dreams and goals.

I should’ve not married him. We were too different. Grew up in different countries with different opinions about love, life, family and just about everything else. It’s not like I didnt warn him; I told him over and over again we aren’t compatible, we wont get along and most importantly that I refuse to tolerate any kind of disrespect. Of course he convinced me to marry him and we did and we have a beautiful baby who is the center of our universe. If there is one thing we’ve done right and we love and care for more than anyone and anything that’s our boy. But that’s not enough to make this marriage work. Our apartment isn’t going to turn into a home; my husband isn’t going to love or respect or trust me. He isn’t goi g to start forming better opinions about my family or friends.

I would have loved for us to be living happily ever after with love evident in our eyes because we sparkle when in the same room. I’d like for us to have trust in each other that I could confide in him about my fears, goals, doubts and insecurities. I’d like for my husband to have at leave one time in the two plus years of our marriage to have said that I look good. A compliment once in while does wonders.

Untitled

I no longer matter to you

Why are you still wearing your wedding ring

It wasn’t too long ago

You said I’m dead to you

So why did you turn around

Coming back into my home, into my bed

You’ve done nothing but cause tears of sorrow and pain

You’ve insulted, belittled and shamed

You’ve used your words and your hands to show your anger

But when I use pen and paper to express my sadness

You don’t allow and get mad all over again.

Journal Entry (4-2-18)

I hate my life at home with the exception of all that involves my baby. He truly is my blessing and makes me so happy. At one point I thought I’d be happy with my husband too but no I’m not. He claims to love me but his many actions speak louder and prove otherwise. Actually he doesn’t even say he loves me. Last time he said he did it when he was 1000s of miles away and that was a response to
☀️💖🌙. I know deep down he doesn’t and he’s making an effort at this marriage because we have a baby together. He’s said so much himself.
It’s so hard with his parents. His mom especially. She’s always doing things out of spite like going through my drawers, my bags… rearranging things even though I tell her to leave things as is. She hates me and that’s fine because I’m not too crazy about her either. And based on what she’s said and what I’ve heard she’d like to break up my marriage. She’s so diffucult.