I’m not happy. In fact, I am miserable. My heart is breaking more and more each day. I thought that in our marriage, I’d fall in love with you more as the days turned to weeks to months to years, but it’s the complete opposite. I am liking you less and less. I’ve lost pretty much all respect for you. I don’t even know how much longer I can tolerate you.
Yes, you’re awesome in some ways. And at times you’re tentative, caring and thoughtful but more often than not you’re mean, rude, insulting, messy and demanding with a potty mouth. I hate that about you. You curse like a sailor. You curse at everyone with no regards to age or relation. You are a hypocrite. You are selfish and a liar. You constantly belittle me telling me just how useless and unproductive you think I am. You won’t let me go after my dreams or encourage me to realize and set goals. I must do what you think is worthwhile. You make fun of me letting me know just what you think of my past. And it isn’t anything good. You do not treat me like your wife who’s an equal but like a maid and a puppet whom you can cast aside at your leisure.
You think that you’ve saved me from a meaningless life. You think you’ve given me purpose and reason. Well, you haven’t. My life was fine the way it was. I was single but I had friends and family who supported me through trials and triumphs. I had goals, I had potential, I had fun. I laughed wholeheartedly. I slept alone but didn’t cry myself to sleep most nights like I’ve been doing. I didn’t have a love interest but at least I had love in my life.
If there’s a thing or two I’ve learned about love, it’s that it’s definitely a place where compromise, understanding and compassion come into great use. It isn’t easy like you fall in love and that’s a guaranteed happily ever after. No, to get to this happily ever after, not one, but two have to be willing, giving and receiving. And there must be no room for intruders or those who wish to wreck what the couple’s trying to build. Otherwise, there will be lost love.
I should have known. I got my hopes up somewhat yet again. The guy I mentioned in my prior blog…? Yeah, I don’t think we are going to work out together.
For starters, he is too sensitive. More than me. And a guy shouldn’t be more sensitive than I am. I’m not being a sexist jerk but he’s asking me about feelings and emotions and why I don’t have an opinion on a kiss or a hug or a touch… and we’ve only been on two dates. I have no feelings to explore. I’ve no desire to spend the rest of my life with him. No desire to share deep, dark secrets with him now.
Second, he’s asking of too much from me. I have a full-time job. I start work at 6 am and by the time I am home it’s close to 3:30/4 in the afternoon. And in between those hours I am extremely busy at work doing a hundred and one things. I don’t have time for phone calls that last an hour. I also don’t have time to text constantly. Yet, he demands my time constantly. Just ’cause you’ve got a job behind a cash register and can be on the phone all day, doesn’t mean I can. No fence intended to cashiers anywhere. I’m just saying I’ve more responsibility and superiors to answer to at work than he does.
Third problem? Somehow the photos of him and his ex on Facebook came up and he said to me something like let’s see where you and I go before I do or do not delete those pictures. I’m sorry… what?
And he was upset I hadn’t told my best friends or my family about him yet. There’s really nothing to tell. We’ve had 1 dinner at a restaurant and 1 take out meal together. What do I tell them? That this guys I’ve been on a date with twice might or might not be Mr. Right? But really he’s not.
Ohhh, I almost forgot. He wants to know everything I do. Where I go, what I buy, how much I earn and spend. And then there is the why. Boy… you are not even close to becoming my boyfriend much less my husband, and you want all these details? No, thank you! I like my freedom. I don’t even get these questions from my family so why should I tell him? This is my business and mine alone.
He’s cheap also. I mentioned I wanted to go to San Diego for a weekend and he decided it should be Valentine’s weekend and he’d be joining me. Asking what my budget was for the trip, he offered to maybe split the cost. If we did, we couldn’t get an upscale place because he doesn’t have or want to spend much. And being that it’s Valentine’s weekend, hotels would be pricey anyway. His take was as long as we weren’t at a roach motel we could be anywhere cheap. Mmmm… no, it doesn’t work this way. If you intend to seduce me then you damn well better be the one to wine and dine. Not the other way around.
If I made a chart of the pros and cons of dating this guy… the cons would definitely weigh in more. I cannot imagine taking him home to meet the parents or having guests over at a house I share with him. More important probably is that I do not see us having and raising children together. We have different takes on many things such as naming a child, discipline and upbringing. And he won’t even allow me to have a say in naming our boys if we were to have any together. Yes, this is definitely not going to work. I’d have to sacrifice my friends and family. He would never fit in. He’d probably not make much of an effort though because he is too sure of himself and too proud.
Yup… because of such disappointments, in my head it’s better to just be single. But my heart… it wants what it craves… unconditional and everlasting love. Maybe some day soon it shall have its desire. A wish will be granted and I too will be lucky in love. Maybe after all this drama and turmoil, I will be blessed with the greatest love in a long, long time.
Thinking about my past relationships, the dramas I’ve encountered and the times I’ve defended the actions of my exes and/or the family, I’ve come to the conclusion that love isn’t blind. It isn’t that we don’t see our significant other is cheating, lying, abusing or whatever else the case might be. Love is ignorant in my opinion. We just choose to ignore all that and look past it. We search for something, anything to make up for the bad with even the tiniest bit of good.
I’d spend hours crying myself to sleep because my boyfriend was spending time with his ex, believing the lies told by his mother and sister, making accusations without giving me the benefit of the doubt and/or avoiding my calls when in town. My other boyfriend (who I was later engaged to) was Prince Charming until he bought a house. This is when jealousy and envy kicked in on his brothers’ in-laws side. Add to this that his mom liked and praised me much and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Eventually his family came between us and tore us apart. All the while I knew that I was losing him to them. I knew the end was near. Yet I accepted his excuses for the meanness of his family. I accepted becoming the outcast. I ignored their interrogations, the accusations and eventually the ‘speech’ his mother gave me as to why she will not allow us to live happily ever after.
Even after all that, I chose to give him another chance to make things right. I let go of any resentment I might have had towards his family. I spent a year meeting him in secrecy (after his family called off our wedding). I forgave him for his betrayal, abandonment and disappearance. The end result? He disappeared once again after a year. And he’s remained gone since then.
Most would agree that during the holidays is probably the worse time to be single. Unless it’s Valentine’s Day. Or maybe both times are not the best to be without a significant other. As is my case, I’ve decided to focus on the positive things in my life and to appreciate my family and friends. So what I have no one to kiss under a mistletoe. Who cares if there is no one to kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve? I’ve got kids that brighten up my days and show me the wonders of everyday. I’ve got friends I trust with my secrets and would trust with my life. I’ve got family who’s always there for me and cares about me. I have a job that pays the bills. A roof over my head to keep me dry in this rainy weather. I’ve got my five senses in tact, my motor skills are working, I’m able to dress, bathe, feed myself. I have a car to drive from point A to point B. I’ve got goals realized that I’m set on accomplishing. I’ve got blessings all around. And I am thankful for each one. So… if by the countdown of welcoming 2015, I happen to still be single… I will focus on the positives in my life. I will appreciate. I will be happy.
Ok, so I need assistance and guidance from my readers to help me help a friend decode a guy and his mixed signals/language (silent and/or not).
I think there’s a lot of red flags about him. But I want to know what others think because maybe I am looking at this wrong.
What she knows about him:
age – mid 40s
occupation – consultant
status – divorced (in court battles currently)
The red flags:
probably broke ’cause of his divorce and/or court/attorney fees
always wants her to accommodate (meet him here/there)
in about 1 month of ‘getting to know one another’ has only offered cup of Starbucks coffee
hasn’t officially asked her out (not 1 date)
talks constantly about him and his plans (not set in stone)
expects her to take him out for his birthday
‘coincidently’ was at the same place as her at the same time but didn’t stop by to say hi
doesn’t call, only texts
Why is it that some guys think they are the only ones with needs for sexual attention? Why assume that a woman does not have desires and/or fantasies? Why focus only on that which is pleasing to him and not his partner as well? I ask because
I am, at the moment, dating a man who, from the start, has expressed his sexual desires which could maybe amount to that of a wild beast. His hugs turn to caresses and make out sessions leading to touching and exploring. And then with self will and restraint I have to stop us from going any further (because we have just met).
I suggested we take things slow (1 day at a time) to which he responded ‘I’m a man with needs.’ Well, I’m sorry if this may come as a shock but I have needs to. Whether sexual, emotional or mental, I have needs. And maybe the drive for sex is a lot more powerful than that of his. Maybe it’s a bit toned down. Regardless of how hot and heavy or not, the desire is still there. But he’s not made a point of inquiring if I too want something more or less out of our relationship that is just barely blooming. He’s not asked if I like a touch here or there or if his kisses are breathtaking or if his touch burns my flesh. Do I get butterflies or do I not feel anything at all? Am I turned on by his whispers? Do his eyes seduce me enough to want to lose my mind and self control? He hasn’t cared to ask so I don’t know. I wonder about it but it’s pushed off to the back of the mind because there is so much more going on in trying to please him that I forget all about me and my wants.
He wants the sex. Because he’s got needs. As do I. But I am staying cool and in control. Because I do not want an unplanned pregnancy and I do not believe in abortion as form of birth control. So if I can control my hormones, why can’t he?!?