The Big deal about a Wedding Dress 

Long before dreaming of Prince Charming, we girls mentally design and redesign the perfect, most beautiful gown we will be wearing when walking down the aisle to be met by the man we will love, honor and cherish all the remaining days of our lives. 

Through the years I myself had seen so many bridal dresses I’d fallen in love with. So many styles and lengths to choose from. Traditional or modern? With or without sleeves? Beads or lace? A million possible combinations. So many possibilities yet only one opportunity to get it right (I mean with such a hefty price tag and the time consumed searching, who can afford to make a mistake?) and only one night to wear it. 

Surprisingly enough it took three trips to retailers for me to find my dress.  Hours were not spent searching aisle after aisle either. David’s Bridal didn’t work out for me so a trip to a boutique in Los Angeles did the trick. And I must say, though I didn’t spend thousands (I didn’t spend anything at all; my sister bought my dress), I ended up with a beautiful dress that sparkled and shined. 

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A Love Affair 

Sometimes I wonder if we was right in getting married

Did our hearts really call out to one another

Is my soul his mate and his mine

Or did we improvise 

Are we just a compromise? 

I’d like to think that our love is true

Wait, was love even there when we said ‘I Do’?

I’d hate to admit it but I doubt that be the case

There were no butterflies 

No tears of joy, uncontrollable laughter or happy smiles

I was anxious, nervous with worry and stressing 

A wedding day shouldn’t be a burden, should it? 

I’m too old to believe in fairy tales 

But I always dreamed I’d find true romance 

Never saw myself going to bed angry or waking up even angrier

Thought the man that was constantly in my bed would also be residing in my heart

And maybe he is 

Unknown to me he’s got the key to my heart

But it’s been a bumpy road since day one 

Maybe that’s why I’m not feeling anything at all

I want hugs and kisses, pleasant surprises, a compliment or two 

Instead I get complaints, insults and comparisons 

I’m no good at this, even worse at that

I’m not inspired, motivated or desired 

I doubt I can last long like this

My heart is breaking and hurting 

My soul is dying 

I’m wanting to fix this thing that’s broken between us 

I want to fall desperately in love

I’m wanting a love affair 

One where I’m super close to losing my mind 

And I want it all with the man I married 

I want this affair to be with this husband of mine. 

Bipolar at Heart

I love you 

You’re the apple of my eye

I hate you

Why are you so mean all the time 

I’m ao glad to be apending the rest of my life with you

Looking forward to decades of happy memories

I’m so frustrated by the things you do and don’t do

Common sense, courtesy and politeness are lacking in you

I wanna snuggle up to you

Stay like that always and forever

I wanna get away from you 

Am looking for the nearest exit route 

I feel blessed, trapped, loved and loathed 

Why does it seem like you don’t even care anymore

I’m belittled, insulted and saddened by the things you say 

Nothing I say or do is ever right

I never feel beautiful since I’ve been with you

Overweight, unattractive and full of flaws is how I see myself now

I’m lost in a maze with no way out 

All this has made me 

A bipolar at heart. 

To the Man who Promised me Happily Ever After

I’m not happy. In fact, I am miserable. My heart is breaking more and more each day. I thought that in our marriage, I’d fall in love with you more as the days turned to weeks to months to years, but it’s the complete opposite. I am liking you less and less. I’ve lost pretty much all respect for you. I don’t even know how much longer I can tolerate you. 

Yes, you’re awesome in some ways. And at times you’re tentative, caring and thoughtful but more often than not you’re mean, rude, insulting, messy and demanding with a potty mouth. I hate that about you. You curse like a sailor. You curse at everyone with no regards to age or relation. You are a hypocrite. You are selfish and a liar. You constantly belittle me telling me just how useless and unproductive you think I am. You won’t let me go after my dreams or encourage me to realize and set goals. I must do what you think is worthwhile. You make fun of me letting me know just what you think of my past. And it isn’t anything good. You do not treat me like your wife who’s an equal but like a maid and a puppet whom you can cast aside at your leisure. 

You think that you’ve saved me from a meaningless life. You think you’ve given me purpose and reason. Well, you haven’t. My life was fine the way it was. I was single but I had friends and family who supported me through trials and triumphs. I had goals, I had potential, I had fun. I laughed wholeheartedly. I slept alone but didn’t cry myself to sleep most nights like I’ve been doing. I didn’t have a love interest but at least I had love in my life. 

Trouble in Paradise

This love was supposed to be perfect; my so called happily ever after but all it is is problem after problem, constant arguments and rare bittersweet moments. You always belittle me making me feel incompetent and stupid and not   capable of anything worthwhile. You insult me constantly. There’s a flaw in everything I say and do. You don’t approve of who I was before we got together and you’re demanding I mold into what’s acceptable to you. You’ve set rules and regulations making me a prisoner in my own home. I am no longer entitled to my own opinions, thoughts and/or feelings. I certainly am not allowed to express them. Should I disagree with you there’s a price to be paid. I am tired of biting my tongue while listening to your nonsense. I am questioning my love and resufor you. I have doubts. 

Blind Love Doesn’t Conquer All

It is said that love is blind 

And this blind love is all one needs

I’d have agreed with that in my younger years

Claiming to have had a love beyond measure 

But now I’m older and somewhat wiser

With numerous failures in this department 

And years of heartbreak 

I know that love is semi blind 

Picking and choosing what battles to fight 

What flaws to ignore

And what traits to attempt to change

Yes, love can be powerful and beyond measure 

Bringing compromise, peace and unity 

But with all its glory 

It is not all one needs

Love will not bring food to the table

Hunger will still be felt 

It will not pay the rent 

Landlord will still come knocking 

It might heal a wounded heart

But a doctor will not waive his fees

It might help you forgive 

But you will not forget the wrongs done against you 

It is cause for joy and celebration 

But it doesn’t stray far from pride, envy or jealousy 

Love makes us do stupid things, feeling invincible 

Love reassures us when there is reason for doubt

Love conquers battles but loses at wars

Love promises happily ever afters

But I haven’t seen one yet

Depression Hurts

I’ve been blessed in this life
Got great family

Parents and siblings that have stood by me through thick & thin

Friends that have been my shoulder to cry on one too many times

A husband that’s attentive and claims to love me

And the greatest blessing of all 

A beautiful baby boy that’s given purpose and meaning to this life of mine 

With so much good and reasons for happy

I wonder why I’m frowning more than I am smiling