It is obvious I do not make you happy. You are not in love with me. And you never will be. For whatever reason you settled when you married me. I’ve pretty good idea as to why but that doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is that our fights will never stop. Because I am this way and you do not accept me as I am. I hate it when you go through my phone, my Instagram, my texts. You have trust issues. You think affairs are ok for men. Wrong! You constantly criticize and insult instead of motivating and inspiring. You are so proud of the fact you guys have a house in Armenia. You call me and my family homeless because we don’t have one here. Well guess what… a house doesn’t make a home. I have so much more blessings in my life that I can do without a piece pf property.
I think that my unhappy marriage is coming close to its end. My husband and I just had another argument. Although I don’t know if it’s an actual argument when only one person is doing all the talking. And by talking I mean insulting, threatening and other B.S. like that.
He says I don’t know the meaning of family and asks me why’d I get married if I’m not with him in all his decisions. Well, what if that decision is not a good or right one? Besides, I thought marriage was a partnership where you share your thoughts, discuss possibilities and come to an agreement t together. A marriage isn’t where the husband dictates and the wife cowardly accepts just because she’s a woman.
To answer my husband’s question as to why I got married… I envisioned a different kind of life for us. One where we’d be happy. Yeah, there would be disagreements but minor ones. And not every other day. I wouldn’t be treated like a servant who is not allowed to express her opinions or feelings. I would be able to visit family and friends as I’d like (with his knowledge of course) instead of not being allowed to visit even my mom except for when he says so. And under his supervision. I wouldn’t be put down everyday. He’d not tell me what to wear, eat, cook, read; when I can have friends over, watch TV, do grocery shopping, how much I spend and on what, etc. He wouldn’t be the one to decide on what career I should have and what salary. He’d not take my paycheck away from me and give me a petty allowance. He wouldn’t belittle me all the time. He would love me. Respect me. Actually give a damn about me. And not want to lose me. But it isn’t like that. He doesn’t care if I walk out the door. So I will.
To be somewhat of an ideal to my husband, I’d not only abide by his rules, but that of his parents too. I would never question his judgment, give ideas or share feelings. I would have had savings in the 100s of thousands that he’d be allowed to dive into for whatever he sees fit. I’d have a house and car already paid off. I’d have a college degree, a business that brings in 6 figure income and a beautiful face and body. I don’t think I’m ugly, but my husband doesn’t think me pretty. I wouldn’t have a problem with his drinking or smoking (he said he did neither when we me but he’s become an alcoholic. Hand him a box of cigarettes he won’t rest ’til its all smoked and done).
He demands that I ask his sister what to feed my baby and when. Since I don’t care for her instructions it is another fight. I might get bumped on the head yet again. It doesn’t stop and its not getting better. I’ve known him 2 years plus; we’ve been married a year and 7 months and in all those days we’ve only had like a total of a week where it is genuine smiles and laughter and happiness. Although, I don’t think he was ever happy with me just as I haven’t been for a long ling time.
It is said that love is blind
And this blind love is all one needs
I’d have agreed with that in my younger years
Claiming to have had a love beyond measure
But now I’m older and somewhat wiser
With numerous failures in this department
And years of heartbreak
I know that love is semi blind
Picking and choosing what battles to fight
What flaws to ignore
And what traits to attempt to change
Yes, love can be powerful and beyond measure
Bringing compromise, peace and unity
But with all its glory
It is not all one needs
Love will not bring food to the table
Hunger will still be felt
It will not pay the rent
Landlord will still come knocking
It might heal a wounded heart
But a doctor will not waive his fees
It might help you forgive
But you will not forget the wrongs done against you
It is cause for joy and celebration
But it doesn’t stray far from pride, envy or jealousy
Love makes us do stupid things, feeling invincible
Love reassures us when there is reason for doubt
Love conquers battles but loses at wars
Love promises happily ever afters
But I haven’t seen one yet