a Lonely Place to be

I miss my husband. Everyone says I’m better off without him and I better not take him back. I say I’m not planning on it but damn it I miss him. I don’t want to be divorced; i dont want to grow old and gray without the man i promised to love, honor and cherish for always by my side. Until recently he was asking me to move in with him and for us to be together again. Of course his reasoning and logic was different than mine but still. Now he doesn’t even suggest such a thing. He doesn’t want to be with me anyone. I think he got used to being without me. This month apart did us more harm than good. I was hoping he’d realize that he needs me by his side and that he’d start to accept and admit his faults and that of his parents but I think hes still seeing just mine.

There’s plenty of reasons for me and him to not get back together. No one wants us back together. I think I’m the only one. And my baby of course. But still I think that’s not enough. I had hoped separation would do us good. We’d both get some space, clear our heads and miss one another. Realize each other’s worth. I know that I’ve flaws and faults. He does too. Somehow when he talks about my screw ups they seem to big and in comparison what hes said and done he makes seem trivial.

In this month I realized I do love him more than I’ve admitted or realized before. I also need him to be by my side as more than just my baby’s dad with visitation rights. I want him to remain my husband. I want him to love me wholeheartedly. For him to need me, miss me, care for me. I dont want to be a burden or obligation for him. I want to be someone he cannot live without not someone he can just make do with.

I’m afraid it’s too late for us. We’ve both screwed up.one too many times. We’ve hurt each other too much.


Bipolar You

Some days we are ok

Other days we are not

Some days you’re kind and caring and attentive

Other days you’re mean and abusive and unkind

I never know what mood you’re gonna be in

I never know if today’s the day I’m really gonna call it quits

I can’t stand the thought of losing you

I can’t imagine life going on like this

You the master; me a slave

I thought our life together would be way different than this

I thought it was love that brought us together

But I was wrong and now I’m paying the price

I don’t want to let you go

But I want the love, honor and cherish that was part of our vows

There’s much that’s lacking in this marriage of ours

I thought I could settle and not care I wasn’t getting your love

I thougt I’d be ok not having a place in your heart

But it hurts more than I thought it would

I dont wanna spend another night in the arms of a man who’s dissatisfied with me

I don’t want to wake up another morning disappointed in you

So I’m saying goodbye to my husband who’s been just a roommate

Hoping life gives us both true love and happiness

Optimistic me dreaming a little for both of us

Maybe if you find the kind of love you seek

It’ll soften your heart and there will be more smiles instead of mean looks

With daggers leaving your eyes constantly

That’s no way to see

Complaints and insults all you ever shared

That’s no way to speak

Pessimistic and worrisome

That’s no way to live.

Letter (part 3)

It is obvious I do not make you happy. You are not in love with me. And you never will be. For whatever reason you settled when you married me. I’ve pretty good idea as to why but that doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is that our fights will never stop. Because I am this way and you do not accept me as I am. I hate it when you go through my phone, my Instagram, my texts. You have trust issues. You think affairs are ok for men. Wrong! You constantly criticize and insult instead of motivating and inspiring. You are so proud of the fact you guys have a house in Armenia. You call me and my family homeless because we don’t have one here. Well guess what… a house doesn’t make a home. I have so much more blessings in my life that I can do without a piece pf property. 

Letter (part 2)

It is because you’ve made me feel unappreciated, unpretty, useless and dumb that I am how I am. You have goals and dreams and intentions to do great things. Good for you. I respect that. But I do not respect nor will I tolerate you constantly belittling me and my family. What did you think? ‘Cause we’ve been in the states 20 plus years we’ve all this money set aside? One you could easily splurge on? Whatever we did have went towards our wedding. That cost over $20,000 whether you believe it or not, that’s your choice. Your plane ticket, most things in our apartment and a lot of other things was paid for by my family. So that’s where a lot of their money went. 

Divorce Pending

I think that my unhappy marriage is coming close to its end. My husband and I just had another argument. Although I don’t know if it’s an actual argument when only one person is doing all the talking. And by talking I mean insulting, threatening and other B.S. like that. 

He says I don’t know the meaning of family and asks me why’d I get married if I’m not with him in all his decisions. Well, what if that decision is not a good or right one? Besides, I thought marriage was a partnership where you share your thoughts, discuss possibilities and come to an agreement t together. A marriage isn’t where the husband dictates and the wife cowardly accepts just because she’s a woman. 

To answer my husband’s question as to why I got married… I envisioned a different kind of life for us. One where we’d be happy. Yeah, there would be disagreements but minor ones. And not every other day. I wouldn’t be treated like a servant who is not allowed to express her opinions or feelings. I would be able to visit family and friends as I’d like (with his knowledge of course) instead of not being allowed to visit even my mom except for when he says so.  And under his supervision. I wouldn’t be put down everyday. He’d not tell me what to wear, eat, cook, read; when I can have friends over, watch TV, do grocery shopping, how much I spend and on what, etc. He wouldn’t be the one to decide on what career I should have and what salary. He’d not take my paycheck away from me and give me a petty allowance. He wouldn’t belittle me all the time. He would love me. Respect me. Actually give a damn about me. And not want to lose me. But it isn’t like that. He doesn’t care if I  walk out the door. So I will. 

To be somewhat of an ideal to my husband, I’d not only abide by his rules, but that of his parents too. I would never question his judgment, give ideas or share feelings. I would have had savings in the 100s of thousands that he’d be allowed to dive into for whatever he sees fit. I’d have a house and car already paid off. I’d have a college degree, a business that brings in 6 figure income and a beautiful face and body. I don’t think I’m ugly, but my husband doesn’t think me pretty. I wouldn’t have a problem with his drinking or smoking (he said he did neither when we me but he’s become an alcoholic. Hand him a box of cigarettes he won’t rest ’til its all smoked and done). 

He demands that I ask his sister what to feed my baby and when. Since I don’t care for her instructions it is another fight. I might get bumped on the head yet again. It doesn’t stop and its not getting better. I’ve known him 2 years plus; we’ve been married a year and 7 months and in all those days we’ve only had like a total of a week where it is genuine smiles and laughter and happiness. Although, I don’t think he was ever happy with me just as I haven’t been for a long ling time.  

Regrets over Marriage (part 2)

I wish I had known you weren’t Mr. Right

I wish I hadn’t believed your stupid lies 

I wish I had enough inner strength to stand up for me

I wish I had enough self esteem to believe in me 

To realize I’m worth more than just bittersweet memories, broken promises and ok days

I want to live in color ’cause all isn’t just black or white

I want to dream because it might just one day be true

I want to laugh wholeheartedly 

And be able to love you unconditionally

Regrets over Marriage (part 1)

I never envisioned myself waking up every morning for the rest of my life next to a man I didn’t love with all my heart and soul. I always said I couldn’t do that and I never planned on it. It just happened and I realize that with each night and each morning that comes and goes, I lose more and more of myself. I am hating myself because my husband; the man who has promised to love, honor and cherish me ’til death do us part, never fails to inform me of my flaws. 

It’s a year and 7 months since we got married and in all this time not once has he praised me. Not once has he said I look beautiful. Never did he say that he’s glad to be married to me. 

I think this marriage of ours is a sham. On his part? A business transaction. I know now that it wasn’t infatuation or lust that got my husband to ask me to marry him. It was a very carefully calculated life altering decision. I suspected even then he doesnt love me. My suspicions were right considering how our life together has been; more bad and ugly then good days. I think we have more ok days and little good days overall. 

On my part? Fear and I believed in his b.s. thinking him to be a great guy. Turns out he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was afraid if I didn’t marry him, I’d be alone forever. But now I understand that not being married is not the equivalent of being alone. Now that I’m married I feel more alone than ever.  He is not someone I can confide in, nor can I share my hopes and dreams with him. He doesn’t care for them. He only cares about the things he deems of value and importance. He’s got a very low opinion of me and doesn’t hesitate when letting me know that.