Divorce Pending

I think that my unhappy marriage is coming close to its end. My husband and I just had another argument. Although I don’t know if it’s an actual argument when only one person is doing all the talking. And by talking I mean insulting, threatening and other B.S. like that. 

He says I don’t know the meaning of family and asks me why’d I get married if I’m not with him in all his decisions. Well, what if that decision is not a good or right one? Besides, I thought marriage was a partnership where you share your thoughts, discuss possibilities and come to an agreement t together. A marriage isn’t where the husband dictates and the wife cowardly accepts just because she’s a woman. 

To answer my husband’s question as to why I got married… I envisioned a different kind of life for us. One where we’d be happy. Yeah, there would be disagreements but minor ones. And not every other day. I wouldn’t be treated like a servant who is not allowed to express her opinions or feelings. I would be able to visit family and friends as I’d like (with his knowledge of course) instead of not being allowed to visit even my mom except for when he says so.  And under his supervision. I wouldn’t be put down everyday. He’d not tell me what to wear, eat, cook, read; when I can have friends over, watch TV, do grocery shopping, how much I spend and on what, etc. He wouldn’t be the one to decide on what career I should have and what salary. He’d not take my paycheck away from me and give me a petty allowance. He wouldn’t belittle me all the time. He would love me. Respect me. Actually give a damn about me. And not want to lose me. But it isn’t like that. He doesn’t care if I  walk out the door. So I will. 

To be somewhat of an ideal to my husband, I’d not only abide by his rules, but that of his parents too. I would never question his judgment, give ideas or share feelings. I would have had savings in the 100s of thousands that he’d be allowed to dive into for whatever he sees fit. I’d have a house and car already paid off. I’d have a college degree, a business that brings in 6 figure income and a beautiful face and body. I don’t think I’m ugly, but my husband doesn’t think me pretty. I wouldn’t have a problem with his drinking or smoking (he said he did neither when we me but he’s become an alcoholic. Hand him a box of cigarettes he won’t rest ’til its all smoked and done). 

He demands that I ask his sister what to feed my baby and when. Since I don’t care for her instructions it is another fight. I might get bumped on the head yet again. It doesn’t stop and its not getting better. I’ve known him 2 years plus; we’ve been married a year and 7 months and in all those days we’ve only had like a total of a week where it is genuine smiles and laughter and happiness. Although, I don’t think he was ever happy with me just as I haven’t been for a long ling time.  


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Regrets over Marriage (part 2)

I wish I had known you weren’t Mr. Right

I wish I hadn’t believed your stupid lies 

I wish I had enough inner strength to stand up for me

I wish I had enough self esteem to believe in me 

To realize I’m worth more than just bittersweet memories, broken promises and ok days

I want to live in color ’cause all isn’t just black or white

I want to dream because it might just one day be true

I want to laugh wholeheartedly 

And be able to love you unconditionally

Regrets over Marriage (part 1)

I never envisioned myself waking up every morning for the rest of my life next to a man I didn’t love with all my heart and soul. I always said I couldn’t do that and I never planned on it. It just happened and I realize that with each night and each morning that comes and goes, I lose more and more of myself. I am hating myself because my husband; the man who has promised to love, honor and cherish me ’til death do us part, never fails to inform me of my flaws. 

It’s a year and 7 months since we got married and in all this time not once has he praised me. Not once has he said I look beautiful. Never did he say that he’s glad to be married to me. 

I think this marriage of ours is a sham. On his part? A business transaction. I know now that it wasn’t infatuation or lust that got my husband to ask me to marry him. It was a very carefully calculated life altering decision. I suspected even then he doesnt love me. My suspicions were right considering how our life together has been; more bad and ugly then good days. I think we have more ok days and little good days overall. 

On my part? Fear and I believed in his b.s. thinking him to be a great guy. Turns out he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was afraid if I didn’t marry him, I’d be alone forever. But now I understand that not being married is not the equivalent of being alone. Now that I’m married I feel more alone than ever.  He is not someone I can confide in, nor can I share my hopes and dreams with him. He doesn’t care for them. He only cares about the things he deems of value and importance. He’s got a very low opinion of me and doesn’t hesitate when letting me know that. 

Depression Hurts

I’ve been blessed in this life
Got great family

Parents and siblings that have stood by me through thick & thin

Friends that have been my shoulder to cry on one too many times

A husband that’s attentive and claims to love me

And the greatest blessing of all 

A beautiful baby boy that’s given purpose and meaning to this life of mine 

With so much good and reasons for happy

I wonder why I’m frowning more than I am smiling 

Prisoner in My Own Home

I used to think love would set me free
Marriage was promising
Vows said would forever be sacred
Ensuring a bond sure to last a lifetime
Happily ever after guaranteed
A soul mate would never disappoint
But now I see just how wrong I was
Blind in lust, affection and was it actually love?
I didn’t stop to think of possible outcome
What would be the consequences
Because of choices I was making
Now with a band on my finger
I ponder if I’ve made the right decisions
I love him; I wanna be far from him
I can’t imagine life without him
I want to run away
I am lost; I’ve been found
I have no voice
At least none that can be heard
My likes and hobbies matter no more
That which is of interest to me
Is something trivial and stupid for him
Life was good before
Is it better now
Or is it worse
‘Cause at times I’m feeling like
A prisoner in my own home.

Dearest One

I’d like to tell you that I miss you but I fear it might be too much too soon.  I don’t know how you’d take that… maybe think I’m too needy or desperate or something else negative.  I don’t want to scare you off so I will keep quiet and keep my feelings inside.  I know we’ve only been out two times but I like you.  There’s something about you that let’s me be me without having to think twice.  I can say what’s on my mind and I can do what I feel comfortable with.  It’s so easy to talk to you.  The time just flies by.  I don’t even realize it’s past curfew and I gotta get home ’cause I’m having so much fun.  You make me want to try harder to make myself presentable.  I’m hoping you like me like I like you.  I’d like to see you again and again and again.  I don’t want you to buy me anything so that’s not why I like your company.  I don’t even fully believe some of the things… but I do believe that we can be good together.

Missing You

I’ve only known you for so little a time
But in that short while you’ve managed to crack open the door I’ve kept locked up so long
I’ve only kissed your lips just a few times
But in doing so I’ve awakened a hunger that’s craving more
I’ve only felt the warmth of your hug no more than two times
But that was enough to stir up the butterflies
And now when you’re far far away
It’s late at night
You’ve taken over my mind
Sleep is hard to come by
I’m thinking of you
Wanna be with you, wherever you are
But that’s not gonna happen tonight
So I toss and turn
Reminisce of day before last
And await anxiously ’til I see you again.