Missing My Husband and the way We used to be

I miss how we would cuddle on the couch and watch cartoons.

I miss how he’d kiss my cheek hello and goodbye when going to work and coming home.

I miss the jokes, the laughter, the emoji texts.

I miss him holding me tight through the night

I miss waking up next to him, cooking for him and eating dinner late at night with him ’cause he’s just returned home from work.

I miss making plans for our and our son’s future together.

I miss planning and hoping for another baby.

I miss going to bed and seeing him there.

I miss how he’d, on rare occasions, be surprising and bring me flowers.

I miss telling him storied of our sons and watching his face light up with pride.

I miss him.

I miss us.

I miss me and him being husband and wife.

I miss us being a family; just me, him and our baby.

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Bipolar You

Some days we are ok

Other days we are not

Some days you’re kind and caring and attentive

Other days you’re mean and abusive and unkind

I never know what mood you’re gonna be in

I never know if today’s the day I’m really gonna call it quits

I can’t stand the thought of losing you

I can’t imagine life going on like this

You the master; me a slave

I thought our life together would be way different than this

I thought it was love that brought us together

But I was wrong and now I’m paying the price

I don’t want to let you go

But I want the love, honor and cherish that was part of our vows

There’s much that’s lacking in this marriage of ours

I thought I could settle and not care I wasn’t getting your love

I thougt I’d be ok not having a place in your heart

But it hurts more than I thought it would

I dont wanna spend another night in the arms of a man who’s dissatisfied with me

I don’t want to wake up another morning disappointed in you

So I’m saying goodbye to my husband who’s been just a roommate

Hoping life gives us both true love and happiness

Optimistic me dreaming a little for both of us

Maybe if you find the kind of love you seek

It’ll soften your heart and there will be more smiles instead of mean looks

With daggers leaving your eyes constantly

That’s no way to see

Complaints and insults all you ever shared

That’s no way to speak

Pessimistic and worrisome

That’s no way to live.

Letter (part 3)

It is obvious I do not make you happy. You are not in love with me. And you never will be. For whatever reason you settled when you married me. I’ve pretty good idea as to why but that doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is that our fights will never stop. Because I am this way and you do not accept me as I am. I hate it when you go through my phone, my Instagram, my texts. You have trust issues. You think affairs are ok for men. Wrong! You constantly criticize and insult instead of motivating and inspiring. You are so proud of the fact you guys have a house in Armenia. You call me and my family homeless because we don’t have one here. Well guess what… a house doesn’t make a home. I have so much more blessings in my life that I can do without a piece pf property. 

Divorce Pending

I think that my unhappy marriage is coming close to its end. My husband and I just had another argument. Although I don’t know if it’s an actual argument when only one person is doing all the talking. And by talking I mean insulting, threatening and other B.S. like that. 

He says I don’t know the meaning of family and asks me why’d I get married if I’m not with him in all his decisions. Well, what if that decision is not a good or right one? Besides, I thought marriage was a partnership where you share your thoughts, discuss possibilities and come to an agreement t together. A marriage isn’t where the husband dictates and the wife cowardly accepts just because she’s a woman. 

To answer my husband’s question as to why I got married… I envisioned a different kind of life for us. One where we’d be happy. Yeah, there would be disagreements but minor ones. And not every other day. I wouldn’t be treated like a servant who is not allowed to express her opinions or feelings. I would be able to visit family and friends as I’d like (with his knowledge of course) instead of not being allowed to visit even my mom except for when he says so.  And under his supervision. I wouldn’t be put down everyday. He’d not tell me what to wear, eat, cook, read; when I can have friends over, watch TV, do grocery shopping, how much I spend and on what, etc. He wouldn’t be the one to decide on what career I should have and what salary. He’d not take my paycheck away from me and give me a petty allowance. He wouldn’t belittle me all the time. He would love me. Respect me. Actually give a damn about me. And not want to lose me. But it isn’t like that. He doesn’t care if I  walk out the door. So I will. 

To be somewhat of an ideal to my husband, I’d not only abide by his rules, but that of his parents too. I would never question his judgment, give ideas or share feelings. I would have had savings in the 100s of thousands that he’d be allowed to dive into for whatever he sees fit. I’d have a house and car already paid off. I’d have a college degree, a business that brings in 6 figure income and a beautiful face and body. I don’t think I’m ugly, but my husband doesn’t think me pretty. I wouldn’t have a problem with his drinking or smoking (he said he did neither when we me but he’s become an alcoholic. Hand him a box of cigarettes he won’t rest ’til its all smoked and done). 

He demands that I ask his sister what to feed my baby and when. Since I don’t care for her instructions it is another fight. I might get bumped on the head yet again. It doesn’t stop and its not getting better. I’ve known him 2 years plus; we’ve been married a year and 7 months and in all those days we’ve only had like a total of a week where it is genuine smiles and laughter and happiness. Although, I don’t think he was ever happy with me just as I haven’t been for a long ling time.  


Regrets over Marriage (part 1)

I never envisioned myself waking up every morning for the rest of my life next to a man I didn’t love with all my heart and soul. I always said I couldn’t do that and I never planned on it. It just happened and I realize that with each night and each morning that comes and goes, I lose more and more of myself. I am hating myself because my husband; the man who has promised to love, honor and cherish me ’til death do us part, never fails to inform me of my flaws. 

It’s a year and 7 months since we got married and in all this time not once has he praised me. Not once has he said I look beautiful. Never did he say that he’s glad to be married to me. 

I think this marriage of ours is a sham. On his part? A business transaction. I know now that it wasn’t infatuation or lust that got my husband to ask me to marry him. It was a very carefully calculated life altering decision. I suspected even then he doesnt love me. My suspicions were right considering how our life together has been; more bad and ugly then good days. I think we have more ok days and little good days overall. 

On my part? Fear and I believed in his b.s. thinking him to be a great guy. Turns out he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was afraid if I didn’t marry him, I’d be alone forever. But now I understand that not being married is not the equivalent of being alone. Now that I’m married I feel more alone than ever.  He is not someone I can confide in, nor can I share my hopes and dreams with him. He doesn’t care for them. He only cares about the things he deems of value and importance. He’s got a very low opinion of me and doesn’t hesitate when letting me know that. 

Just Not Working Out

So this guy I’ve gone out with a couple of times wants us to spend Valentine’s Day together and I’m hesitant because I don’t see a future for us.  And I’d hate to lead him on or waste my or his time on something that’s headed towards a dead-end.
Yes, at first we had a connection and he was charming but then he got too possessive and too annoying. He calls and/or texts expecting me to answer right away.  He’s not understanding that my job is more demanding than his and I cannot take time away from my desk to chit-chat with him.  Nor can I have personal phone calls at the office.
He’s also very opinionated.  There’s no room for adjustment or error with him.  He expects me to miss him; to daydream about him; to want to spend days and nights with him.  I don’t.  When I tell him so he gets upset.  I’m kind of afraid as to what his reaction might be when I say I don’t want us to date or even remain friends.  But I must end this.  For my sake as well as his.
If his stinky personality and bad attitude weren’t enough, he’s also very thrifty.  I know money doesn’t buy love but…
He asked me what’s on my list of wants and so I text him 4 pictures (a Hublot watch, dollhouse and two pairs of shoes). His response ‘are these like super expensive?’ When I tell him I’m not sure of the prices, he answers ‘lets just plan out the trip.’  This trip he’s referring to is supposed to be my prize for winning at this game he came up with.  And he expects me to not only split the costs associated with the trip but for me to drive the distance.  And it must be on a weekday because he cannot/will not take a weekend off.  So I have to give up two days of pay to make it convenient for him?  Yeah, I don’t think so!