a Lonely Place to be

I miss my husband. Everyone says I’m better off without him and I better not take him back. I say I’m not planning on it but damn it I miss him. I don’t want to be divorced; i dont want to grow old and gray without the man i promised to love, honor and cherish for always by my side. Until recently he was asking me to move in with him and for us to be together again. Of course his reasoning and logic was different than mine but still. Now he doesn’t even suggest such a thing. He doesn’t want to be with me anyone. I think he got used to being without me. This month apart did us more harm than good. I was hoping he’d realize that he needs me by his side and that he’d start to accept and admit his faults and that of his parents but I think hes still seeing just mine.

There’s plenty of reasons for me and him to not get back together. No one wants us back together. I think I’m the only one. And my baby of course. But still I think that’s not enough. I had hoped separation would do us good. We’d both get some space, clear our heads and miss one another. Realize each other’s worth. I know that I’ve flaws and faults. He does too. Somehow when he talks about my screw ups they seem to big and in comparison what hes said and done he makes seem trivial.

In this month I realized I do love him more than I’ve admitted or realized before. I also need him to be by my side as more than just my baby’s dad with visitation rights. I want him to remain my husband. I want him to love me wholeheartedly. For him to need me, miss me, care for me. I dont want to be a burden or obligation for him. I want to be someone he cannot live without not someone he can just make do with.

I’m afraid it’s too late for us. We’ve both screwed up.one too many times. We’ve hurt each other too much.

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Letter (part 3)

It is obvious I do not make you happy. You are not in love with me. And you never will be. For whatever reason you settled when you married me. I’ve pretty good idea as to why but that doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is that our fights will never stop. Because I am this way and you do not accept me as I am. I hate it when you go through my phone, my Instagram, my texts. You have trust issues. You think affairs are ok for men. Wrong! You constantly criticize and insult instead of motivating and inspiring. You are so proud of the fact you guys have a house in Armenia. You call me and my family homeless because we don’t have one here. Well guess what… a house doesn’t make a home. I have so much more blessings in my life that I can do without a piece pf property. 

Regrets over Marriage (part 1)

I never envisioned myself waking up every morning for the rest of my life next to a man I didn’t love with all my heart and soul. I always said I couldn’t do that and I never planned on it. It just happened and I realize that with each night and each morning that comes and goes, I lose more and more of myself. I am hating myself because my husband; the man who has promised to love, honor and cherish me ’til death do us part, never fails to inform me of my flaws. 

It’s a year and 7 months since we got married and in all this time not once has he praised me. Not once has he said I look beautiful. Never did he say that he’s glad to be married to me. 

I think this marriage of ours is a sham. On his part? A business transaction. I know now that it wasn’t infatuation or lust that got my husband to ask me to marry him. It was a very carefully calculated life altering decision. I suspected even then he doesnt love me. My suspicions were right considering how our life together has been; more bad and ugly then good days. I think we have more ok days and little good days overall. 

On my part? Fear and I believed in his b.s. thinking him to be a great guy. Turns out he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was afraid if I didn’t marry him, I’d be alone forever. But now I understand that not being married is not the equivalent of being alone. Now that I’m married I feel more alone than ever.  He is not someone I can confide in, nor can I share my hopes and dreams with him. He doesn’t care for them. He only cares about the things he deems of value and importance. He’s got a very low opinion of me and doesn’t hesitate when letting me know that. 

A Love Affair 

Sometimes I wonder if we was right in getting married

Did our hearts really call out to one another

Is my soul his mate and his mine

Or did we improvise 

Are we just a compromise? 

I’d like to think that our love is true

Wait, was love even there when we said ‘I Do’?

I’d hate to admit it but I doubt that be the case

There were no butterflies 

No tears of joy, uncontrollable laughter or happy smiles

I was anxious, nervous with worry and stressing 

A wedding day shouldn’t be a burden, should it? 

I’m too old to believe in fairy tales 

But I always dreamed I’d find true romance 

Never saw myself going to bed angry or waking up even angrier

Thought the man that was constantly in my bed would also be residing in my heart

And maybe he is 

Unknown to me he’s got the key to my heart

But it’s been a bumpy road since day one 

Maybe that’s why I’m not feeling anything at all

I want hugs and kisses, pleasant surprises, a compliment or two 

Instead I get complaints, insults and comparisons 

I’m no good at this, even worse at that

I’m not inspired, motivated or desired 

I doubt I can last long like this

My heart is breaking and hurting 

My soul is dying 

I’m wanting to fix this thing that’s broken between us 

I want to fall desperately in love

I’m wanting a love affair 

One where I’m super close to losing my mind 

And I want it all with the man I married 

I want this affair to be with this husband of mine.