Bittersweet Memories

Back in 2015 when my soon to be ex and I got engaaged, it never crossed my mind that we’d get married, have a kid then get a divorce over some trivial and some major differences or issues. We had a good, bad and ugly two plus years together. The best was the birth of our son. And now through all this difficult times it is my son that gives me hope, willpower and courage to face another day.

I hope that someday my husband will realize that I never betrayed him, I didn’t get him arrested and that though not at first, eventually he became the reason my heart was beating. I loved him more than I thought I would. And this divorce and all the drama around it is breaking my heart on a daily basis. His mean words still hurt me. There are cuts so deep that they might never heal.

He thinks I demanded a divorce because I never wanted to be married in the first place. No, I asked for divorce because the thought of my husband thinking me to be stupid, ugly, without talent, unsupportive and useless among other things was too much to bear. I cried myself to sleep plenty of nights. His mother was mean and rude and apparently not happy about my and her son’s marriage. I had no love or respect in my own home. I felt out of place, unwanted and a waste of human life. I didn’t feel good about myself ever. I hated the persin I saw when looking in the mirror. I couldn’t tolerate another night of feeling undesired and impotent.

I love my husband. Even though there is so much heartache and pain caused by him, I still love him. People I know would say I am stupid if I ever were to get back with him. Nobody wants me and him to be together again. He doesn’t wa t us together again. But we have history. We have a child. A child whom we both love and adore more than anyone and anything else in this world.

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Missing My Husband and the way We used to be

I miss how we would cuddle on the couch and watch cartoons.

I miss how he’d kiss my cheek hello and goodbye when going to work and coming home.

I miss the jokes, the laughter, the emoji texts.

I miss him holding me tight through the night

I miss waking up next to him, cooking for him and eating dinner late at night with him ’cause he’s just returned home from work.

I miss making plans for our and our son’s future together.

I miss planning and hoping for another baby.

I miss going to bed and seeing him there.

I miss how he’d, on rare occasions, be surprising and bring me flowers.

I miss telling him storied of our sons and watching his face light up with pride.

I miss him.

I miss us.

I miss me and him being husband and wife.

I miss us being a family; just me, him and our baby.

a Lonely Place to be

I miss my husband. Everyone says I’m better off without him and I better not take him back. I say I’m not planning on it but damn it I miss him. I don’t want to be divorced; i dont want to grow old and gray without the man i promised to love, honor and cherish for always by my side. Until recently he was asking me to move in with him and for us to be together again. Of course his reasoning and logic was different than mine but still. Now he doesn’t even suggest such a thing. He doesn’t want to be with me anyone. I think he got used to being without me. This month apart did us more harm than good. I was hoping he’d realize that he needs me by his side and that he’d start to accept and admit his faults and that of his parents but I think hes still seeing just mine.

There’s plenty of reasons for me and him to not get back together. No one wants us back together. I think I’m the only one. And my baby of course. But still I think that’s not enough. I had hoped separation would do us good. We’d both get some space, clear our heads and miss one another. Realize each other’s worth. I know that I’ve flaws and faults. He does too. Somehow when he talks about my screw ups they seem to big and in comparison what hes said and done he makes seem trivial.

In this month I realized I do love him more than I’ve admitted or realized before. I also need him to be by my side as more than just my baby’s dad with visitation rights. I want him to remain my husband. I want him to love me wholeheartedly. For him to need me, miss me, care for me. I dont want to be a burden or obligation for him. I want to be someone he cannot live without not someone he can just make do with.

I’m afraid it’s too late for us. We’ve both screwed up.one too many times. We’ve hurt each other too much.

Bipolar You

Some days we are ok

Other days we are not

Some days you’re kind and caring and attentive

Other days you’re mean and abusive and unkind

I never know what mood you’re gonna be in

I never know if today’s the day I’m really gonna call it quits

I can’t stand the thought of losing you

I can’t imagine life going on like this

You the master; me a slave

I thought our life together would be way different than this

I thought it was love that brought us together

But I was wrong and now I’m paying the price

I don’t want to let you go

But I want the love, honor and cherish that was part of our vows

There’s much that’s lacking in this marriage of ours

I thought I could settle and not care I wasn’t getting your love

I thougt I’d be ok not having a place in your heart

But it hurts more than I thought it would

I dont wanna spend another night in the arms of a man who’s dissatisfied with me

I don’t want to wake up another morning disappointed in you

So I’m saying goodbye to my husband who’s been just a roommate

Hoping life gives us both true love and happiness

Optimistic me dreaming a little for both of us

Maybe if you find the kind of love you seek

It’ll soften your heart and there will be more smiles instead of mean looks

With daggers leaving your eyes constantly

That’s no way to see

Complaints and insults all you ever shared

That’s no way to speak

Pessimistic and worrisome

That’s no way to live.

Regrets over Marriage (part 1)

I never envisioned myself waking up every morning for the rest of my life next to a man I didn’t love with all my heart and soul. I always said I couldn’t do that and I never planned on it. It just happened and I realize that with each night and each morning that comes and goes, I lose more and more of myself. I am hating myself because my husband; the man who has promised to love, honor and cherish me ’til death do us part, never fails to inform me of my flaws. 

It’s a year and 7 months since we got married and in all this time not once has he praised me. Not once has he said I look beautiful. Never did he say that he’s glad to be married to me. 

I think this marriage of ours is a sham. On his part? A business transaction. I know now that it wasn’t infatuation or lust that got my husband to ask me to marry him. It was a very carefully calculated life altering decision. I suspected even then he doesnt love me. My suspicions were right considering how our life together has been; more bad and ugly then good days. I think we have more ok days and little good days overall. 

On my part? Fear and I believed in his b.s. thinking him to be a great guy. Turns out he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was afraid if I didn’t marry him, I’d be alone forever. But now I understand that not being married is not the equivalent of being alone. Now that I’m married I feel more alone than ever.  He is not someone I can confide in, nor can I share my hopes and dreams with him. He doesn’t care for them. He only cares about the things he deems of value and importance. He’s got a very low opinion of me and doesn’t hesitate when letting me know that. 

Crazy

It’s crazy that I like you this much

I’m thinking of you day and night 

I can’t get over this heartache you’ve left me with 

I’m trying so hard to not care that you’ve left with no goodbye

I can’t help but wonder why you would hurt me this way

I was good to you

Was ready to open my heart to you 

And you seemed willing to accept 

There was a plea in your tone 

A desperate need to belong 

A desire to love and be loved 

One that was matching mine 

But you cowered away

Leaving the chance for happiness and me behind

But crazy me 

I’m not moving forward ’cause I’m reminiscing 

Missing you more and more as the days go by.