Regrets over Marriage (part 2)

I wish I had known you weren’t Mr. Right

I wish I hadn’t believed your stupid lies 

I wish I had enough inner strength to stand up for me

I wish I had enough self esteem to believe in me 

To realize I’m worth more than just bittersweet memories, broken promises and ok days

I want to live in color ’cause all isn’t just black or white

I want to dream because it might just one day be true

I want to laugh wholeheartedly 

And be able to love you unconditionally

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Regrets over Marriage (part 1)

I never envisioned myself waking up every morning for the rest of my life next to a man I didn’t love with all my heart and soul. I always said I couldn’t do that and I never planned on it. It just happened and I realize that with each night and each morning that comes and goes, I lose more and more of myself. I am hating myself because my husband; the man who has promised to love, honor and cherish me ’til death do us part, never fails to inform me of my flaws. 

It’s a year and 7 months since we got married and in all this time not once has he praised me. Not once has he said I look beautiful. Never did he say that he’s glad to be married to me. 

I think this marriage of ours is a sham. On his part? A business transaction. I know now that it wasn’t infatuation or lust that got my husband to ask me to marry him. It was a very carefully calculated life altering decision. I suspected even then he doesnt love me. My suspicions were right considering how our life together has been; more bad and ugly then good days. I think we have more ok days and little good days overall. 

On my part? Fear and I believed in his b.s. thinking him to be a great guy. Turns out he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was afraid if I didn’t marry him, I’d be alone forever. But now I understand that not being married is not the equivalent of being alone. Now that I’m married I feel more alone than ever.  He is not someone I can confide in, nor can I share my hopes and dreams with him. He doesn’t care for them. He only cares about the things he deems of value and importance. He’s got a very low opinion of me and doesn’t hesitate when letting me know that. 

The Big deal about a Wedding Dress 

Long before dreaming of Prince Charming, we girls mentally design and redesign the perfect, most beautiful gown we will be wearing when walking down the aisle to be met by the man we will love, honor and cherish all the remaining days of our lives. 

Through the years I myself had seen so many bridal dresses I’d fallen in love with. So many styles and lengths to choose from. Traditional or modern? With or without sleeves? Beads or lace? A million possible combinations. So many possibilities yet only one opportunity to get it right (I mean with such a hefty price tag and the time consumed searching, who can afford to make a mistake?) and only one night to wear it. 

Surprisingly enough it took three trips to retailers for me to find my dress.  Hours were not spent searching aisle after aisle either. David’s Bridal didn’t work out for me so a trip to a boutique in Los Angeles did the trick. And I must say, though I didn’t spend thousands (I didn’t spend anything at all; my sister bought my dress), I ended up with a beautiful dress that sparkled and shined. 

A Love Affair 

Sometimes I wonder if we was right in getting married

Did our hearts really call out to one another

Is my soul his mate and his mine

Or did we improvise 

Are we just a compromise? 

I’d like to think that our love is true

Wait, was love even there when we said ‘I Do’?

I’d hate to admit it but I doubt that be the case

There were no butterflies 

No tears of joy, uncontrollable laughter or happy smiles

I was anxious, nervous with worry and stressing 

A wedding day shouldn’t be a burden, should it? 

I’m too old to believe in fairy tales 

But I always dreamed I’d find true romance 

Never saw myself going to bed angry or waking up even angrier

Thought the man that was constantly in my bed would also be residing in my heart

And maybe he is 

Unknown to me he’s got the key to my heart

But it’s been a bumpy road since day one 

Maybe that’s why I’m not feeling anything at all

I want hugs and kisses, pleasant surprises, a compliment or two 

Instead I get complaints, insults and comparisons 

I’m no good at this, even worse at that

I’m not inspired, motivated or desired 

I doubt I can last long like this

My heart is breaking and hurting 

My soul is dying 

I’m wanting to fix this thing that’s broken between us 

I want to fall desperately in love

I’m wanting a love affair 

One where I’m super close to losing my mind 

And I want it all with the man I married 

I want this affair to be with this husband of mine. 

Blind Love Doesn’t Conquer All

It is said that love is blind 

And this blind love is all one needs

I’d have agreed with that in my younger years

Claiming to have had a love beyond measure 

But now I’m older and somewhat wiser

With numerous failures in this department 

And years of heartbreak 

I know that love is semi blind 

Picking and choosing what battles to fight 

What flaws to ignore

And what traits to attempt to change

Yes, love can be powerful and beyond measure 

Bringing compromise, peace and unity 

But with all its glory 

It is not all one needs

Love will not bring food to the table

Hunger will still be felt 

It will not pay the rent 

Landlord will still come knocking 

It might heal a wounded heart

But a doctor will not waive his fees

It might help you forgive 

But you will not forget the wrongs done against you 

It is cause for joy and celebration 

But it doesn’t stray far from pride, envy or jealousy 

Love makes us do stupid things, feeling invincible 

Love reassures us when there is reason for doubt

Love conquers battles but loses at wars

Love promises happily ever afters

But I haven’t seen one yet

Love & Marriage (part 1)

If I were to be honest, I’d have to say that marriage isn’t completely as I expected it to be. And sometimes, after a really long day, I think that it’s more trouble than it’s worth. But only sometimes. That’s still bad though, I suppose.

I’ve learned that in marriage there are unwritten rules and regulations that don’t always apply to both parties involved. Also that compromise and compassion go a long way. And sometimes it’s best to just bite the tongue rather than speak the words that are floating in the mind.

Marriage is a partnership in which love alone will not survive for all of eternity. It requires respect, honor, trust, and a sense of self and belonging. It should allow room for growth and self development.  It is sacred and should be treated as such.

Prisoner in My Own Home

I used to think love would set me free
Marriage was promising
Vows said would forever be sacred
Ensuring a bond sure to last a lifetime
Happily ever after guaranteed
A soul mate would never disappoint
But now I see just how wrong I was
Blind in lust, affection and was it actually love?
I didn’t stop to think of possible outcome
What would be the consequences
Because of choices I was making
Now with a band on my finger
I ponder if I’ve made the right decisions
I love him; I wanna be far from him
I can’t imagine life without him
I want to run away
I am lost; I’ve been found
I have no voice
At least none that can be heard
My likes and hobbies matter no more
That which is of interest to me
Is something trivial and stupid for him
Life was good before
Is it better now
Or is it worse
‘Cause at times I’m feeling like
A prisoner in my own home.