Journal Entry (4-2-18)

I hate my life at home with the exception of all that involves my baby. He truly is my blessing and makes me so happy. At one point I thought I’d be happy with my husband too but no I’m not. He claims to love me but his many actions speak louder and prove otherwise. Actually he doesn’t even say he loves me. Last time he said he did it when he was 1000s of miles away and that was a response to
☀️💖🌙. I know deep down he doesn’t and he’s making an effort at this marriage because we have a baby together. He’s said so much himself.
It’s so hard with his parents. His mom especially. She’s always doing things out of spite like going through my drawers, my bags… rearranging things even though I tell her to leave things as is. She hates me and that’s fine because I’m not too crazy about her either. And based on what she’s said and what I’ve heard she’d like to break up my marriage. She’s so diffucult.

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Regrets over Marriage (part 2)

I wish I had known you weren’t Mr. Right

I wish I hadn’t believed your stupid lies 

I wish I had enough inner strength to stand up for me

I wish I had enough self esteem to believe in me 

To realize I’m worth more than just bittersweet memories, broken promises and ok days

I want to live in color ’cause all isn’t just black or white

I want to dream because it might just one day be true

I want to laugh wholeheartedly 

And be able to love you unconditionally

Regrets over Marriage (part 1)

I never envisioned myself waking up every morning for the rest of my life next to a man I didn’t love with all my heart and soul. I always said I couldn’t do that and I never planned on it. It just happened and I realize that with each night and each morning that comes and goes, I lose more and more of myself. I am hating myself because my husband; the man who has promised to love, honor and cherish me ’til death do us part, never fails to inform me of my flaws. 

It’s a year and 7 months since we got married and in all this time not once has he praised me. Not once has he said I look beautiful. Never did he say that he’s glad to be married to me. 

I think this marriage of ours is a sham. On his part? A business transaction. I know now that it wasn’t infatuation or lust that got my husband to ask me to marry him. It was a very carefully calculated life altering decision. I suspected even then he doesnt love me. My suspicions were right considering how our life together has been; more bad and ugly then good days. I think we have more ok days and little good days overall. 

On my part? Fear and I believed in his b.s. thinking him to be a great guy. Turns out he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was afraid if I didn’t marry him, I’d be alone forever. But now I understand that not being married is not the equivalent of being alone. Now that I’m married I feel more alone than ever.  He is not someone I can confide in, nor can I share my hopes and dreams with him. He doesn’t care for them. He only cares about the things he deems of value and importance. He’s got a very low opinion of me and doesn’t hesitate when letting me know that. 

To the Man who Promised me Happily Ever After

I’m not happy. In fact, I am miserable. My heart is breaking more and more each day. I thought that in our marriage, I’d fall in love with you more as the days turned to weeks to months to years, but it’s the complete opposite. I am liking you less and less. I’ve lost pretty much all respect for you. I don’t even know how much longer I can tolerate you. 

Yes, you’re awesome in some ways. And at times you’re tentative, caring and thoughtful but more often than not you’re mean, rude, insulting, messy and demanding with a potty mouth. I hate that about you. You curse like a sailor. You curse at everyone with no regards to age or relation. You are a hypocrite. You are selfish and a liar. You constantly belittle me telling me just how useless and unproductive you think I am. You won’t let me go after my dreams or encourage me to realize and set goals. I must do what you think is worthwhile. You make fun of me letting me know just what you think of my past. And it isn’t anything good. You do not treat me like your wife who’s an equal but like a maid and a puppet whom you can cast aside at your leisure. 

You think that you’ve saved me from a meaningless life. You think you’ve given me purpose and reason. Well, you haven’t. My life was fine the way it was. I was single but I had friends and family who supported me through trials and triumphs. I had goals, I had potential, I had fun. I laughed wholeheartedly. I slept alone but didn’t cry myself to sleep most nights like I’ve been doing. I didn’t have a love interest but at least I had love in my life. 

Blind Love Doesn’t Conquer All

It is said that love is blind 

And this blind love is all one needs

I’d have agreed with that in my younger years

Claiming to have had a love beyond measure 

But now I’m older and somewhat wiser

With numerous failures in this department 

And years of heartbreak 

I know that love is semi blind 

Picking and choosing what battles to fight 

What flaws to ignore

And what traits to attempt to change

Yes, love can be powerful and beyond measure 

Bringing compromise, peace and unity 

But with all its glory 

It is not all one needs

Love will not bring food to the table

Hunger will still be felt 

It will not pay the rent 

Landlord will still come knocking 

It might heal a wounded heart

But a doctor will not waive his fees

It might help you forgive 

But you will not forget the wrongs done against you 

It is cause for joy and celebration 

But it doesn’t stray far from pride, envy or jealousy 

Love makes us do stupid things, feeling invincible 

Love reassures us when there is reason for doubt

Love conquers battles but loses at wars

Love promises happily ever afters

But I haven’t seen one yet

Love & Marriage (part 1)

If I were to be honest, I’d have to say that marriage isn’t completely as I expected it to be. And sometimes, after a really long day, I think that it’s more trouble than it’s worth. But only sometimes. That’s still bad though, I suppose.

I’ve learned that in marriage there are unwritten rules and regulations that don’t always apply to both parties involved. Also that compromise and compassion go a long way. And sometimes it’s best to just bite the tongue rather than speak the words that are floating in the mind.

Marriage is a partnership in which love alone will not survive for all of eternity. It requires respect, honor, trust, and a sense of self and belonging. It should allow room for growth and self development.  It is sacred and should be treated as such.

Love at Last & its Side Effects

I must say that I was so naive back when I thought I was in love. Of course I’ve come to realize that my past affairs were not love but lust, infatuation, misguided trust, undeserved respect, faithfulness and time wasted on undeserving individuals. 

Now, being happily married (knock on wood), I see just what love is all about. I cannot imagine a life without my wonderful significant other. This man has brightened my days and lit up my nights with the stars that are in his eyes. He makes me grin ear to ear, laugh out loud, dream of greater things and desire to be someone better. With him by my side, I feel I can accomplish plenty and reach goals I set long ago. 

He is very compassionate, caring, attentive and a truly amazing human being. He’s dedicated, determined and just plain awesome. 

I feel blessed to have him as my life partner, father of the children we will some day have, and the man that I am going to share the rest of my days and nights with. 

I pray that we never part ways, we always have room to forgive one another’s error (because no one is perfect), and that we have many decades of wedded bliss; happy, healthy, together and always and forever in love with one another.