Regrets over Marriage (part 1)

I never envisioned myself waking up every morning for the rest of my life next to a man I didn’t love with all my heart and soul. I always said I couldn’t do that and I never planned on it. It just happened and I realize that with each night and each morning that comes and goes, I lose more and more of myself. I am hating myself because my husband; the man who has promised to love, honor and cherish me ’til death do us part, never fails to inform me of my flaws. 

It’s a year and 7 months since we got married and in all this time not once has he praised me. Not once has he said I look beautiful. Never did he say that he’s glad to be married to me. 

I think this marriage of ours is a sham. On his part? A business transaction. I know now that it wasn’t infatuation or lust that got my husband to ask me to marry him. It was a very carefully calculated life altering decision. I suspected even then he doesnt love me. My suspicions were right considering how our life together has been; more bad and ugly then good days. I think we have more ok days and little good days overall. 

On my part? Fear and I believed in his b.s. thinking him to be a great guy. Turns out he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was afraid if I didn’t marry him, I’d be alone forever. But now I understand that not being married is not the equivalent of being alone. Now that I’m married I feel more alone than ever.  He is not someone I can confide in, nor can I share my hopes and dreams with him. He doesn’t care for them. He only cares about the things he deems of value and importance. He’s got a very low opinion of me and doesn’t hesitate when letting me know that. 

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Love & Marriage (part 1)

If I were to be honest, I’d have to say that marriage isn’t completely as I expected it to be. And sometimes, after a really long day, I think that it’s more trouble than it’s worth. But only sometimes. That’s still bad though, I suppose.

I’ve learned that in marriage there are unwritten rules and regulations that don’t always apply to both parties involved. Also that compromise and compassion go a long way. And sometimes it’s best to just bite the tongue rather than speak the words that are floating in the mind.

Marriage is a partnership in which love alone will not survive for all of eternity. It requires respect, honor, trust, and a sense of self and belonging. It should allow room for growth and self development.  It is sacred and should be treated as such.