Bipolar You

Some days we are ok

Other days we are not

Some days you’re kind and caring and attentive

Other days you’re mean and abusive and unkind

I never know what mood you’re gonna be in

I never know if today’s the day I’m really gonna call it quits

I can’t stand the thought of losing you

I can’t imagine life going on like this

You the master; me a slave

I thought our life together would be way different than this

I thought it was love that brought us together

But I was wrong and now I’m paying the price

I don’t want to let you go

But I want the love, honor and cherish that was part of our vows

There’s much that’s lacking in this marriage of ours

I thought I could settle and not care I wasn’t getting your love

I thougt I’d be ok not having a place in your heart

But it hurts more than I thought it would

I dont wanna spend another night in the arms of a man who’s dissatisfied with me

I don’t want to wake up another morning disappointed in you

So I’m saying goodbye to my husband who’s been just a roommate

Hoping life gives us both true love and happiness

Optimistic me dreaming a little for both of us

Maybe if you find the kind of love you seek

It’ll soften your heart and there will be more smiles instead of mean looks

With daggers leaving your eyes constantly

That’s no way to see

Complaints and insults all you ever shared

That’s no way to speak

Pessimistic and worrisome

That’s no way to live.


Regrets over Marriage (part 1)

I never envisioned myself waking up every morning for the rest of my life next to a man I didn’t love with all my heart and soul. I always said I couldn’t do that and I never planned on it. It just happened and I realize that with each night and each morning that comes and goes, I lose more and more of myself. I am hating myself because my husband; the man who has promised to love, honor and cherish me ’til death do us part, never fails to inform me of my flaws. 

It’s a year and 7 months since we got married and in all this time not once has he praised me. Not once has he said I look beautiful. Never did he say that he’s glad to be married to me. 

I think this marriage of ours is a sham. On his part? A business transaction. I know now that it wasn’t infatuation or lust that got my husband to ask me to marry him. It was a very carefully calculated life altering decision. I suspected even then he doesnt love me. My suspicions were right considering how our life together has been; more bad and ugly then good days. I think we have more ok days and little good days overall. 

On my part? Fear and I believed in his b.s. thinking him to be a great guy. Turns out he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was afraid if I didn’t marry him, I’d be alone forever. But now I understand that not being married is not the equivalent of being alone. Now that I’m married I feel more alone than ever.  He is not someone I can confide in, nor can I share my hopes and dreams with him. He doesn’t care for them. He only cares about the things he deems of value and importance. He’s got a very low opinion of me and doesn’t hesitate when letting me know that. 

Another One Bites the Dust

I should have known.  I got my hopes up somewhat yet again.  The guy I mentioned in my prior blog…?  Yeah, I don’t think we are going to work out together.
For starters, he is too sensitive.  More than me.  And a guy shouldn’t be more sensitive than I am.  I’m not being a sexist jerk but he’s asking me about feelings and emotions and why I don’t have an opinion on a kiss or a hug or a touch… and we’ve only been on two dates.  I have no feelings to explore.  I’ve no desire to spend the rest of my life with him.  No desire to share deep, dark secrets with him now.
Second, he’s asking of too  much from me.  I have a full-time job.  I start work at 6 am and by the time I am home it’s close to 3:30/4 in the afternoon.  And in between those hours I am extremely busy at work doing a hundred and one things.  I don’t have time for phone calls that last an hour.  I also don’t have time to text constantly.  Yet, he demands my time constantly.  Just ’cause you’ve got a job behind a cash register and can be on the phone all day, doesn’t mean I can.  No fence intended to cashiers anywhere.  I’m just saying I’ve more responsibility and superiors to answer to at work than he does.
Third problem?  Somehow the photos of him and his ex on Facebook came up and he said to me something like let’s see where you and I go before I do or do not delete those pictures.  I’m sorry… what?
And he was upset I hadn’t told my best friends or my family about him yet.  There’s really nothing to tell.  We’ve had 1 dinner at a restaurant and 1 take out meal together.  What do I tell them?  That this guys I’ve been on a date with twice might or might not be Mr. Right?  But really he’s not.
Ohhh, I almost forgot.  He wants to know everything I do.  Where I go, what I buy, how much I earn and spend.  And then there is the why.  Boy… you are not even close to becoming my boyfriend much less my husband, and you want all these details?  No, thank you!  I like my freedom.  I don’t even get these questions from my family so why should I tell him?  This is my business and mine alone.
He’s cheap also.  I mentioned I wanted to go to San Diego for a weekend and he decided it should be Valentine’s weekend and he’d be joining me.  Asking what my budget was for the trip, he offered to maybe split the cost.  If we did, we couldn’t get an upscale place because he doesn’t have or want to spend much.  And being that it’s Valentine’s weekend, hotels would be pricey anyway.  His take was as long as we weren’t at a roach motel we could be anywhere cheap.  Mmmm… no, it doesn’t work this way.  If you intend to seduce me then you damn well better be the one to wine and dine.  Not the other way around.
If I made a chart of the pros and cons of dating this guy… the cons would definitely weigh in more.  I cannot imagine taking him home to meet the parents or having guests over at a house I share with him.  More important probably is that I do not see us having and raising children together.  We have different takes on many things such as naming a child, discipline and upbringing.  And he won’t even allow me to have a say in naming our boys if we were to have any together.  Yes, this is definitely not going to work.  I’d have to sacrifice my friends and family.  He would never fit in.  He’d probably not make much of an effort though because he is too sure of himself and too proud.
Yup… because of such disappointments, in my head it’s better to just be single.  But my heart… it wants what it craves… unconditional and everlasting love.  Maybe some day soon it shall have its desire.  A wish will be granted and I too will be lucky in love.  Maybe after all this drama and turmoil, I will be blessed with the greatest love in a long, long time.